M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
