Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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