Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
