Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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