Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
