Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i now understand why vodka
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
