your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
