And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I will pee on everything he values.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
