Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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