Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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