I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
