; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize