Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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