my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize