He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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