I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
