ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
