you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
