my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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