walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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