it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
