True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
