apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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