DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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