You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize