Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
