u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
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