happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
