was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
