According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
