This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
