Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
