if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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