you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize