My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
they're like a gay fantastic four
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
