Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
