Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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