we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i would one night stand the shit outta him
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
