Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
