So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
