A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
