Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
