I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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