billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How external is "for external use only"?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
