Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
