Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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