Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
