Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
