Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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