LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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