i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
