i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
