how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
