Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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