she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
