Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's blow job season.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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