I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
