Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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