i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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