I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
