I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
