DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
