I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
